Yours, Mine, & Ours

My fiancé and I have 4 kids between the two of us. He has a son (9) from a previous marriage and a daughter (6) from a previous relationship. I have a son (6) from a previous marriage, and now we have a 9 month-old son together. I feel like I am starring in my own life version of the movie "Yours, Mine, & Ours." Luckily we don't have as many kids as they did in that movie, nor do we have them all together all the time. My 6 year-old and the 9 month-old live with us full time, with my son going to his dad's every other weekend. His 9 year-old lives with us part of the time, and is over other days for a few hours after school, as I am at home right now and not working, his mom lives just around the corner from us so it makes transporting between houses fairly easy. His mom and I get along well, and seem to coordinate schedules fairly easy. My ex and my fiancé also get along, which is great not to have a lot of added tension and helps us to focus on what is best for the boys. After a few years of being divorced, it is definitely nice to be able to have rational conversations and see eye to eye on things. We have his daughter with us every other weekend for the most part. I don't really talk with her mom too much, we definitely have different ways of doing things and everything seems to be on her time, which definitely reflects on his daughters behavior and attitude when she is with us. My kids are my priority and I don't really understand people who completely seem to put themselves above the needs of their kids.

The kids for the most part all get along, which is great, and really no different than sibling rivalry in families where they are all blood related. They each have their good and bad moments, and find ways to get on one another's nerves. They learn how to get along and find ways to drive us parents crazy. We do face the challenge of trying to deal with the different rules in the different houses, but we manage, some days better than others. In our case we have 4 different houses to deal with altogether as opposed to one or two, which does make it interesting. My ex and I try to keep the communication very open, so we can coordinate better on the rules for our son, to try to make things a little easier on both of us and to keep things more consistent for him. It seems to work well for us so far. In the instances where we get along with each other's exes, it makes things much easier to deal with the varied interactions between the kids and the adults that are involved on all sides. You can definitely see the difference between the instances of open communication and those that are more strained.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Maybe not as many different parental angles, but where there are step-kids and or half-siblings involved? What is your experience with it? What kind of things have you had to deal with? What kinds of solutions have you come up with?

Losing Yourself?

Is it possible to still keep your individuality even when you are in a relationship? Sometimes I feel like I have lost who I am, now that I am a mom and in a relationship. It's hard to take time to focus on the things that I need sometimes when I am busy with my kids or my boyfriend. I still have dreams and need time to myself, even when I put my family first. Is it selfish to want some "ME" time? Should we lose our individuality when we become "WE"?

When do we take the time to focus on the things we need, when we are so focused on making sure that the rest of our family is okay and that their needs are being met? I feel that trying to accomplish my goals and dreams, should actually help my family, as I do need to make sure I am happy as well, so that I don't start to feel resentful. But then why do I feel guilty when I take some time to focus on myself and what I want to accomplish? Even if at the moment that may be taking 10 minutes away from the kids and my boyfriend to just take a shower and relax, to feel "human" again. It's amazing how much better one can feel after having those few minutes to one's self.

So how do we take care of our families and fulfill our own needs? How do we find that balance to keep our chaotic lives under control? How do we not lose our own individuality while juggling our multiple roles, whatever those may be? I guess it takes time and practice to figure this all out, and for each of us it will be a different path that we take to get there. Best of luck to us all...